Love cards – much better than Snapchatted genitalia? Discuss.

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On Sunday I discovered a new thing to look out for at this spring’s vide greniers – love cards. They might sound a bit iffy but don’t worry, they aren’t a pervy parlour game based on the kama sutra.Quite the opposite in fact.

Back in the 1940s an amourous jeune homme lacked the vast range of online and mobile based courting approaches that are now available. No Tindr or Grindr for the youth of France or anywhere else for that matter. Even the option of taking a quick picture of your genitalia, sending it to your intended and then deleting it before they passed it on to their mates was out of the question.

Instead you would buy a ‘love card’ such as this one: IMAG0922
A little kitsch perhaps and bit too job specific to sell in their thousands but who could resist avoiding sadness by spending time with a paratrooper? You might even be tempted to wear your very best floral frock in a bid to keep him keen.

Other love cards, like this one, were more sinister:
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Like a gothic take on the baby in the sun from Tellytubbies the vampire’s face has been stuck on a flower to give the impression of romance but it is clear that those heavily made up lips are clamped shut to hide the fangs.

The next one goes down an explicit route that could be seen as the grandaddy of the suggestive selfie.
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A thought of Fleurance? Not really, no. I’m too busy wondering why you’re feeling the need to finger that flower while looking straight at me. And why does your hair remind me of one of the victims in the badly ‘colorised’ version of Night of the Living Dead?

The last one I’ve selected from the set of thirteen cards makes the recipient very much aware of the sender’s intentions. I’m still a amazed the stall holder was happy to let these go for 20 centimes each even though the sender was her uncle who did indeed go on to marry the recipient – her aunt who kept them all her life:
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Lets not get mawkish though. More flowers, another bloke with loads of slap on and another vibrant frock with stiff hair combo for the lady. This time the threat of long-term enforced monogamy is made very clear – this is no booty call.

Maybe that’s the key to the appeal of these cards. They might be sickeningly coloured, overly reliant on obvious imagery and carrying a strong whiff of fromage but, to me, that seems better than exchanging quick pics of crinkly bits, abs and intimate tattoos.

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Do you know Johnny Depp?

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I haven’t written much lately because we moved house so I’ve been busy hanging out of the window with my mobile and listening to some of the most irritating holding music ever recorded as I strive to encourage Orange to provide some functioning telecommunications in exchange for the money they keep taking from my bank account. The decorating, fish pond rescue mission and fosse septique investigations have taken a while too.

Anyway, as well as little surprises such as leaking shower trays, ossified cat turds behind old doors and some serious plumbing issues (are you meant to hold taps in place with string?) the previous owners left us some amazing furniture.

They had the front room, or salon, turned into an art installation by a local sculptor who works in recycled metal. Denis Richerol’s work is impressive –check his website here http://www.nedhcreation.com/blundell.htm – but when you a have a fireplace and chimney combo that covers a whole wall, a massive corner cupboard, two sofas/canapés and a pair of coffee tables edged with motorbike chains all in the same purple room it gets a bit much. Yes, I did say purple and I meant all the walls and ceilings are purple.
The hard work, welding skills and thought that crafted the sofas, corner cupboard and coffee table are admirable but when you put all that slightly gothic metal furniture into a normal room sized space it starts to feel like you’re living on a Tim Burton film set. Spread across a few houses it would be great but we’ve only got one so at least some of it has to go.

Therefore, it is time for a plea for help. If you know anybody with a big house or furniture dealership who might be interested in acquiring some sculpture that doubles as furniture please send them a link. If you have lots of friends on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter who sometimes like something a bit different do get in touch. Oh, and if you do know Johnny Depp or Helena Bonham Carter tell them they can have the lot for a six figure sum!

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